Mission Impossible

Guys, I’m a real grown up now.
It’s the weirdest thing and it’s still freaking me out.

Don’t get me wrong, it feels incredible to say goodbye to homework and paper writing, and it’s great to go home after work and have the time to do whatever I want and not feel guilty. But truly, I’m kinda freaking out a lot. As a little girl I always dreamed about growing up and what my life would look like. In my head I would go to college, graduate knowing exactly what I wanted to do, find a perfect job, and, of course, I’d be married by the time I was 24 (duh?). That’s where the plan ended. I never dreamed much further past graduation. But I had a plan.

So much for a plan…

I graduated and I have a job. So now, here I am. Working 8-5 Monday to Friday. Being a grown up. (Maybe?)

But now what?

I guess the comforting part of the plan that Little Kylie made was the feeling of arrival that was sure to come with finishing college. That’s when people become adults, so then everything is fine and dandy and life is always rainbows and butterflies.

I didn’t realize how much I was banking on that feeling until this last month. I went to a doctor appointment and, as the receptionist was updating my information, she asked me, “Are you still a full time student?” I froze. I said no and went on with life, but inside I still haven’t stopped freaking out. Without even knowing it, defining myself as a student was my way of staying a kid and feeling safe.

After graduating, the last thing I feel is that I have arrived. I feel pretty far away from “safe.” I have a big-girl job and a degree and I’m still scared of the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Have you ever thought about that question itself? Maybe I’m the only weirdo who analyzes these cliche questions and things, but I’ve always found it interesting that we are asked what we want to be instead of what we want to do when we grow up. Whoever phrased that question was a genius. That person understood that what or who we are is so much more important than what we do. Who we are actually influences what we do and the decisions we make.

All that to say, this has become my focus over the last month.
Who am I? What do I want to be?

I won’t work in this job forever, but I am stuck with me forever. So what do I want to be when I grow up? What am I doing now and what steps am I making to become that person? I find it ironic that I just spent years and years in school learning and building and moving up this ladder of education, and now, at the end of it all, I’m realizing it’s still all about the basics.

We never graduate from doing the simple and the basic things well.

The more I bring it back down to ground level and focus on the small things, the more safety and comfort I have. I’m continually learning that it’s not about this ladder of success or these milestones society sets, but it’s actually about your character and the person you are throughout these milestones. If you aren’t growing and bettering yourself, then there’s really no point to any of it.

So, as much as I’m freaking out and learning how to move on from what was so comfortable for me, I’m more concerned with making sure I really do get to be what I want when I grow up. At the end of the day, God still knows and He’s still in control. He’s brought me this far and shaped me into who I am now, so He will continue to open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones that need to be closed. Trust is hard, but it always pays off.

Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

I love plans. I’m basically an expert at making plans. But I am so glad for the times God throws my plans out the window and replaces them with His plans. All I have to do is stay obedient and keep walking in the direction He sets. This is easier said than done, but the feeling of safety and peace found here is so much greater than any safety or peace that was found in my plan.

I have no clue what comes next.
I still have dreams that make no sense as to how they fit into my future.
And I know for a fact that my plan-making days are far from over.
But, yielding my plans to His is the mission I’m so choosing to accept.

This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds…
(But probably not.)

– K