I know that all my posts come sporadically and are long-winded (I’m sorry, I just have lots to say). Sometimes I just have to write everything out to help it make sense to me. This post is no different. Eventually I’ll get back to writing shorter, lighter posts. But until then, here’s a look into Kylie from the last few months:
I absolutely hate the inability to explain how I’m feeling.
We all know I love words. A lot. (Good thing that’s the whole point of a blog.) For the last couple of months I was driving myself crazy because I felt so strange but could not pinpoint what it was I was feeling. Finally, out of pure frustration, the word “restless” came out of my mouth. THAT was it. Restless. When a friend asked why I felt that way I responded with, “Because I feel stuck.” Stuck and restless. Sick of waiting. That’s not a fun way to feel for months.
Naturally, I looked up the definitions of these words (everyone does that, right?) to help me figure out what was going on with me.
The ever-faithful dictionary.com defines restless as: characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest; unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart; never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion; without rest; without restful sleep; unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction.
Stuck: to remain attached; to hold, cleave, or cling; to remain persistently or permanently; to remain firm, as in resolution, opinion, statement, or attachment; hold faithfully, as to a promise or bargain; to keep or remain steadily or unremittingly, as to a task, undertaking, or the like; to become fastened, hindered, checked, or stationary by some obstruction.
Before we continue – How typical that I would feel held back and stationary (stuck) while feeling uneasy and unable to remain still (restless) at the same time. Talk about a perfectly ridiculous contradiction…
I was so sick of waiting. I had so many things going for me and some new opportunities, but I could not shake the feeling of being so far away from all the things that were burning on my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I was incredibly thankful and grateful. I was making myself sick because I was wrestling with myself constantly. I knew on the outside I had no reason to feel this way, but telling myself to get over it wasn’t working. Bystanders would have laughed at me if I told them how I was really feeling on the inside. It made no sense, but I still felt stuck and restless.
Then – you guessed it – I looked up another definition.
Wait: to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens; to be available or in readiness; to postpone or delay in expectation; to look forward to eagerly; to continue as one is in expectation of; await; be reserved for.
I realized that feeling this way meant that I was expecting something more.
If you know me, you know this is a big deal. Dreaming big used to be really hard for me because I wouldn’t let myself go there. I’m analytical and way too realistic to let myself get carried away. My mom used to ask me what I would do if I could do anything and couldn’t fail. Even then I would have no answer because I would start to think of all the reasons why something couldn’t happen before my dreams even got off the ground. “That’s impossible” was the most predominant thought in my mind for way too long.
Being annoyed with myself for feeling restless and stuck was what it took for me to realize that at some point I had finally let myself expect and look forward to something.
Huge breakthrough. I know, who am I?!
Somewhere along the line, and only in the last few months, I started to learn how to dream again. All of a sudden, feeling restless and stuck and being sick of waiting wasn’t so bad.
Recently, I heard Mark Edwards say, “Delay is never God’s denial.”
Holy crap. I love it when God speaks right to you exactly where you’re at. Just because I’m not yet where I want to be does not mean that God has forgotten about me or said no to me and my dreams. This delay is not denial.
Delay is hard. It causes restlessness like nothing else can. But there’s a verse that I can’t get out of my head. Ephesians 6:13-14 says that once we have put on the full armor of God and done everything we can to stand our ground, we need to stay standing firm. Having done all to stand, stand some more.
Back to the definitions:
- Stuck: to remain persistently or permanently; to remain firm; hold faithfully.
- Wait: to look forward to eagerly; to continue as one is in expectation of; await.
Suddenly, being stuck doesn’t sound like a bad thing. And waiting is exciting instead of stagnant and unpromising. I’m remaining faithful and I’m eagerly looking forward to what’s next. I’m standing, and when I’m tired of standing – I’m standing some more.
So, wait for it…